The Price of Gas !

 I recieved this in my email and thought others would enjoy the comedy of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stimulas Package Rebate Humor

I got these in my email and thought everyone would enjoy them. Click on them to see a larger pic.

Funny Plays on Words

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care
where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;

in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I’ll show
you A-flat miner..

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully
recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge i t.
A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
(’Taint none of it mine lately!!)

A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

The Dumbest guy on Earth!!

My friends,I give you..
 
“THE  DUMBEST GUY ON  EARTH!”    

This  picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers  building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take  pictures.

The car  is still running as can be witnessed by the  exhaust.  

The  driver finally came back after the police were called and  was found crouched
behind the rear of the car attempting to  cut the twine around the load!
Luckily the police stopped  him and had the load  removed.  

The materials were loaded at  Home Depot. Their store manager said
they made the customer sign a waiver.  

While the  plywood and 2X4’s are fairly obvious what you can’t
see is  the back seat which contains (are  you ready for this?) 
10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.  

They  estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires  
exploded the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven
through the  floorboard.

and these people VOTE!

 

Cloning Gone Really Bad

 First thing, for the record, I did not create any of these. I am not certain if I could do any of these. I am certain I do not have the time and passion for it. I am also certain you will also enjoy viewing them as I have.I recieved them via email and I have to not modified any, in any way. Enjoy!

Axe

Bubba

      Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is
      It true theys suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin’
      People to git cancer ?”
      “Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
      “And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants
      Fer makin’ them fat, an cloggin’ their arteries with all
      them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”
      “Sure is, Bubba.”
      “And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she
      Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”
      “Yep.”
      “And that football player sued that university when he
      Gradiated and still couldn’t read?”
      “That’s right,” said the lawyer.”
      “But why are you asking?”
      “Well, I was thinkin’…. What I want to know is, kin
      I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”

A Cowboy’s Wishes…

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water. His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the
sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to
be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is
wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull
gray dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work….You have three
wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy… “I’m not going to trust a
FEMA genie.” “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and
it looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The cowboy thinks about this for a
minute, and decides that the genie is right.”OK!, I wish I were in a lush
oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems. “OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!”After thinking
for a few minutes, the cowboy says… “I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string
attached.

LITTLE OLD LADY

LITTLE OLD LADY
 

 A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags,
and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. “Ma’am, there are $20 bills
Falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I
Can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that
Money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard backs up to
The parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game a lot of
Fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and
Stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
Sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way,
what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay.”
 

Women at the Bar

        Women at the Bar

        A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work

        cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally

        tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man

        entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

        take her eyes off him.

        The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive

        stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

        Before she could offer her apologies for staring so

        rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do

        anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,

        no matter how kinky, for $20.00……on one condition.”

        Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition

        was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you

        want me to do in just three words.”

        The woman considered his proposition for a moment,

        and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,

        which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her

        address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly

        and meaningfully said…………………………….

       “Clean my house.”

        (YOU GO, GIRL!)
       Money well spent!!!!

The Spoon

The Spoon

 Remember this when you go out to eat at a nice restaurant:

 Timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

 Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that  the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils,  I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around  and  saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

 ”Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen
Consulting  to  revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded  that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a<  BR>drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons
per table per hour. If our  personnel is better prepared, we can reduce
the number of trips back to  the kitchen and  save 15 man-hours per
shift.”

 As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of  making an extra trip to get it right now.”

 I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the  waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same  string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
asked the  waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right  there?”

 ”Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so
observant.

 That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time
in  the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we
can  pull it  out without touching it and eli minate the need to wash
our hands,  shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

 I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

 ”Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the
spoon.”