Analogies and Metaphors(frickin’ hilarious!)

Normally, I do not do 2 posts in a single day. In fact I do about 2 a week, however, I made exception for this one because it is absolutely the most hilarious email I have read in quite some time. I cleaned it up some but otherwise it is fully intact. Ready to see what kinds of things our high school students are thinking? Enjoy!

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
throughout the land. Here are last year’s winners…..

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn’t.
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
 
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
 
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
 
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.
 
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are know to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
 
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
 
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

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15 Comments

Filed under Comedy, funny, Humor, Jokes

15 responses to “Analogies and Metaphors(frickin’ hilarious!)

  1. Wow, you have over 450,000 views! About how many views do you get per day? Is this blog just really old? How do you get that many views?

    Like

  2. The blog is about 3 yrs. old. I get between 300-500 views on average per day.It is not bad, I guess.:)

    Like

  3. 300-500!?! Really?! I get about 40 views per day. At that rate everyone would have viewed your blog in 41.095 eons. It would take 821.918 eons for everyone in the world to see my blog…

    Like

  4. Eons? And just how many eons do you think the human race will last? Lmao!

    Like

  5. I guess you’re right… I forgot that we humans aren’t immortal. 😉

    Like

  6. (LOL) That was a funny conversation. 🙂

    On a side note, it looks like high school students are certainly more creative than some authors these days.
    Thanks for reposting the quality humor, by the way. And keep up the blogging marathon going! 🙂

    Sincerely,
    Sah War (sahwar)

    Like

  7. @ Sah War-ahhh, hmmm,o.k. 🙂

    Like

  8. Marwa.:)

    Hilarious:)

    Like

  9. Chris

    Very funny! I’m impressed at the creativity of some of these

    Like

  10. Lauren

    These weren’t funny at all!

    Like

  11. Neither was your comment.:)

    Like

  12. Mitsumi Kayuta

    Ah, so I was writing a story when I was in 7th and found three weird Metaphors xD;

    “I rushed to the drinking fountain like my cats do when I set a dish of wet food on the kitchen floor.”

    ” ‘LOOK! FLAMINGOS!!’ My group ran to the pink creatures like a mom to a pair of ‘cute’ jeans that had JUST gone on sale for 64% off.”

    “They started shoving eachother out of the way like a shopper would do to another shopper on Black Friday to finally get that dress.”

    o\u\o; I was weird back then…

    Like

  13. Are you sure you are not weird now? 🙂

    Like

  14. No, actually, I’m not sure… o3o;
    xD I’ll admit, I’m pretty weird still, but I was even worse in Junior High ;D

    Like

  15. Well, at least your honest and there ain’t nothing wrong with being weird. It certainly beats being a sheep. Thx for reading and replying!

    Like

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