There are many inbetween places. When you are working on curing, or attacking, a disease you find yourself there alot. When you are in the middle of a project. When it is a time of the year that is between 2 major holidays or days important to you. For many this time, right now, is one of those times. We reside at the end of the year but have not reached the new one.
Inbetween is like no-man’s land. A place where you do not really choose to be but must go through to get to your destination.
I find myself here today and begin to wonder, contemplate, question exactly where is my destination. I am sure many find themselves sitting in the same bus. It is part of human nature to want knowledge of where we are heading. Certainly, this is true. Who heads into a dark room without a flashlight. The reason for my quandary though is simply because what I desire does not seem to be what the cosmos will allow. I am a big believer in fate. I believe everyone has a purpose and thus we merely need to find that purpose, in order to achieve happiness and success in our lives.
The conflict I have found myself in, is quite simple in its nature, but far too important to cast aside. I have different directions I can pursue creatively. However, not all of them are desired in equal amounts by the general public. So perhaps I should list the 3 paths I must consider along with their positives and negatives.
1.Writing- This first path is tried and somewhat true. I could, at the beginning of the new year, once more delve down this path. I have some fans, although few, they have read my previous work and are in agreement that I have talent in this. However, this path has many drawbacks. Firstly, there is an over-abundance of new free books. Thus trying to sell even a great novel is, in and of itself, a major chore. Then there is the fact that typing has become a painful experience for me. The pain my hands gather seems to only get worse the further I get into the book. I have 4 major projects in the writing realm and of which, 3 are near halfway done. While I could easily jump into any of them and complete the work( pain not withstanding) there seems to be, little to no purpose, in doing so. I simply don’t have enough loyal fans to make this path even remotely profitable, let alone rewarding. Let’s face it, when you give out 200 copies and only garner 1 review it seems rather pointless to be going down this path.
2.Photography- This path is a new one for me. I acquired a professional level camera and video camera and managed to become proficient enough that I can create some pretty nice photos. I have received alot of nice comments on those photos and had several people state that photography might indeed be my true calling. However, there is no groundwork for this line of creativity. No website for posting them, no store to sell them, no devoted fans as of yet. Then there is the fact that this line of creativity requires a steady stream of surplus cash. Cash is needed for travel. One must be prepared and able to travel to locations for new subjects to capture. Then there is the fact that having accumulated many years under my belt, so to speak, my mobility has been compromised. While this path of creativity holds perhaps the most promise it also has the highest hills to climb in order to make it a path worth following. I am uncertain I will have the time or ever have the means to go down this path far.
3.Music-This last path of creativity is the one where I desire to follow the most but it is by far the least rewarding. To create even one song takes at minimum days, at most months, depending on the complexity of the work. With all the new developments in the Ipad music apps environment, I feel like I can create alot more and better stuff. This path offers the most opportunities for me to explore and have fun while creating something that others could enjoy too. However, this path I have very few followers and none of them, even remotely devoted. In fact, the last 3 songs I uploaded got no notice. The end goal for this particular path has never really to monetize it or make any profit. It was just something to do that I found enjoyable to do and hoped others would, at minimal, listen to. Yet, that is not the case. My music seems to be non-existent, much like the proverbial tree that falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it. This last path while offering for me, the most fun and opportunity for growth, appears to be also, the one path nobody else will even bother to notice.
Sometimes writing has a way of making the writer see things in a new way or just open their eyes to what was always right in front of them. I think that perhaps that has been the case with this piece. I am now seeing that there is a pattern here. That pattern is as clear as the stars in the night sky. It is a pattern that drips with the oil of failure. The more I have tread down any path, the more failure I have acquired. The quality of the work, or time spent, are not even factors in this. The only common denominator is the amount of time I spent down each path. The further down the path I walked, the more I found myself alone in my journey. It is when I realize things of this nature, I find that I wish I could be more like others. Simply steal someone’s creative work and post it. Then I do not have to feel insult, when no one accepts my work, because it was never mine.
This leads me to a final conclusion… I either must continue down one of those paths of creativity and cast aside any care if ANYONE bothers to acknowledge it or I must quit all of them. Just stop creating. Yes, I realize that is the equal to giving up and giving in but sometimes the fight is not worth the time and effort. Looking back at what I have posted, it seems that perhaps this may be one of those times.
I came here with the idea that in the inbetween I needed to decide which path to follow in the new year but the paths I have to choose between have now changed in my mind. The thoughts of a man are often like a train. They are almost moving but the rails often click over to a new direction. I have much to ponder in my inbetween. I sincerely hope yours is much easier to navigate.