How much is too much?

Today, upon logging in to WordPress.com I noticed there was a notification for me. So intrigued, I looked to find this…

Happy Anniversary!

You registered on WordPress.com 7 years ago!

Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Seeing that made me think. 7 years and 645,851 views and really nothing has changed in my life, on any level. I have made few friends; I have emptied my mind, thoughts, heart, and emotions onto the world-wide web, yet, everything in my life remains relatively the same. I begin to wonder if there is any point to it. Am I missing something?

One would expect after 7 years of public creativity that something should change. Anything! It makes me reach for a simple truth. Have I given too much or not enough? At what point can anyone say, with complete certainty, that they have given enough? I find myself conflicted about this question. I believe the reason for the turmoil is two-pronged. Throughout most of my childhood I was bullied, in every school I attended, while at the same time I watched my mother go, from husband to husband, as if they were the newest fashion for that year, that one had to have. With all the turmoil at home and in schools, it obviously, led to a troubled youth and I had more than my fair share of legal issues growing up.

In the end, the childhood I experienced, left me cold and empty of any positive emotions for people and humanity, in general. Thus I became a recluse and built a wall of titanium around my heart and mind. It was many, many years before I got to the point where I would trust anyone, even the smallest amount. Frankly, to this day I still do not trust anyone but I am at least willing to try. For me, this blog was not so much about sharing my life, as it was about letting people get a glimpse into my life. No matter how infrequent and limited it may have been.

I was determined to be better than my fellow-man and relatives. I desired to rise above how I had been treated, and to share myself, no matter what risk there might be lying in wait. Thus, over the course of these 7 years, I have done so. I have shared pictures, stories, videos, and music that I created. I have opened my mind and heart to the world, in hopes, that not only would I rise above my past but also in hopes of enriching this world and other’s lives.

But now I am forced into the flat-out realization that maybe I have done too much. Perhaps I have given more than anyone ever deserved or desired. Perhaps I somehow managed to not give enough. As much as I hate to admit it, (being a man of some intelligence who hates to admit there is something he does not know, lol) I believe I have found myself confounded.

If you have any thoughts on this matter, please feel free to clue in this old, confused man.

As always, thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

Axe

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