Tag Archives: life

Coyote RV Resort

Just thought I would let all those who follow this blog know that I shall be working on something special over the next month, when I am not working on Shadow Shifters 2. It is a little site I devoted to showing where I last lived and my personal experience there. If nothing else, it should be mildly entertaining.


So go there and do what the small post says!ūüėéūüėá



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Death never comes alone…he brings friends.

Before I really settle into this subject, let me lay the groundwork…dig up the grass, pitch aside the rock and gravel, rake out the¬†large chunks of dirt, and smooth out the surface, if you will. I think…indeed, perhaps even know, that a backdrop must be in place, in order to have a finished painting.

At the ripe old age of 49 yrs. old, my experience with death has been limited. In fact, it has been pretty much non-existent. Certainly, I have known people who have died but by the time it had occurred, they were no longer a part of my life. Either some quarrel or issue had ended our connection or time had simply allowed us to drift apart. Thus when the moment of their death occurred, the impact upon me emotion-wise and otherwise, had been minimal. Not trying to take away anything from their deaths or the loss of them. Just stating something that I believe should be fairly obvious to most who read this. That the death of someone, who you were close to at the time of departure, is going to have more impact upon you.

I also believe I need to make clear that I never really got, how or why people made such a big deal over the death, of an animal…a pet. I always thought that it was not the same as a human being dying and I guess technically it is not the same. However, there are certain aspects of it, I now have begun to grasp. When you spend a lot of time with a pet they become, in your mind and heart, an integral part of the family. While the memories and communications may be different, than that of humans, they certainly do exist and become part of who we are. The recent death of my pet taught me just how much this is true. When you spend everyday with any living creature, they become more a¬†part of your life, than most humans ever do.

Thus when death comes calling he does not come alone and he does not leave until you fully realize what you are supposed to from it. Death may not arrive with a trumpet sound or a loud clash. He may appear as a dark figure in the distance. But no matter how he arrives, he brings depression with him. Depression arrives in the same manner as death. Either quick and sudden or slowly creeping in. Just the idea of someone close to you dying brings forth this friend. He is like a leech. He will suck you dry as long as you allow him to, and to a degree, you must allow him to do so. You must allow him to play his part, for it is the role he was cast in and therefore, he must do his part and you must do yours. You must accept it and then you can begin to work on eliminating him. For all roles, come to their conclusions and so it is the same, with depression.

Then comes the moment that death actually does his job. He takes the being, human or otherwise, out of this world and shows them the path to the afterlife. When he does this he calls in his other friend. That friend is named Guilt. Guilt will arrive in some form or fashion, no matter how much or little you had to do, with the death. Guilt arrives because he also has his role to play. His role is to make you think. He is kinda sneaky in that, you often do not see him coming. But he whispers to you, when your mind is quiet. He wants you to think about it because he knows if you do not, then you will never be able to move forward. He makes you play the blame game. He makes you think about every little thing you did before the death. He makes you question everything. He does this because, he knows you need to at some point come to terms with what happened, and your part to play in it. He wants you to realize that each of us has a part to play in each¬†other’s lives and deaths. It was this last thing, I did not get at first.

I only saw my guilt. The actions I had taken, the decisions I had made. I questioned whether there was something I could of done differently to have prevented it. Of course, if anyone looks at those type of things they are going think that maybe they made mistakes. Maybe they did things wrong. Maybe they acted wrong to the situation. They are going to question every action and every decision, and in the end they are going to realize, that it is possible that they made some errors. Of course, they are going to see this. We all do. We make errors because we are human. It is a part of who we are and one of the main reasons we are here in the first place. Certainly nobody can dispute the fact, that a major reason for us being here, is to learn and grow. Learning requires error. Let me say that again because it is that important. True learning requires us to make errors. Understanding this basic fact is what guilt was trying to show us. That no matter how much our involvement, we cannot accept all the blame because we are human, and do make mistakes. It is a part of our nature.

When guilt has finally opened your eyes to these facts, then the last friend of death makes their arrival. This friend is named Acceptance. Acceptance tells you that we all play our roles, for good or for bad, but ultimately it is never really completely within our own hands. We cannot control what is without, we can only control what is within. We cannot make the world do what we want, we can only make ourselves, do what we want. Even serial killers do not completely control things as much as they think they do. Do they decide who is placed in front of them to become their next victim? Certainly not! Do they decide ultimately who will die? They might think they do but they have no control over whether there is ever going to be the opportunity. Nobody can control others or the environment around them. In the end, only fate gets to decide who or what, lives and dies and when. Once you understand this fact, then accepting what has happened, can occur. It should be noted acceptance does not mean that guilt nor depression have left. Acceptance only opens the door for them to leave.

It is you, who must decide when the time has come, to move on. It is you, who must make them leave. For all three of the friends of death reside within you, and are within your circle of control.

While my time has not come to send away death’s friends, I hope that this¬†little writing¬†helps others, and maybe by chance, it may even help me.





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Define Thyself

This is a thing, which for many years, I have strived to achieve. It is not always easy. Nobody lives in a vacuum(no matter how much people are capable of sucking). We all have outside influences that affect us daily, momentarily, even from second to second, we are bombarded with information from different sources and people.

For most of us, it makes it that much harder to define who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes the outside influences and pressures overcome us, and we find ourselves in places we never intended to be. When this happens, it becomes obvious that we have lost sight of who we are and what we stand for as person, partner, parent, and even, as a human being.

This then becomes the moment when you wake up and realize what is going on or you continue to stumble forward in the dark, letting the world and it’s often dark influences, guide you. For me, a chance to step back and examine things came in the form of the emergency room visit(see previous post) and the time needed to recuperate.

With that time I began to see how I have been letting the world negatively impact and define who I am. That should have never happened. I have struggled so many years against myself, and the world, to become a better person. To rise above, never give up, never give in, never stop dreaming. But then, I failed myself and listened to the voices in the dark. The ones that told me bad things, evil things. I listened far too long and began losing myself to the lies they tell us all. The lies that make it easy. The lies that allow us to walk away and feel good in doing so. The lies that preserve our vanity.

I would rather define myself than accept lies to maintain my vanity. Any day, any time. I am sorry my friends, I got lost somewhere along the line. I shall do my best, not to let it happen again.

I am a writer, and therefore, I shall write. I am a musician, and therefore, I shall create music. I will do both of of these freely and shall share what I have created, always expecting nothing in return. Just your accepting, that this is who I am, is more than enough.

Lastly(but certainly not leastly), I am a family man. One who set aside(mostly) writing and music for 22 yrs. to raise my kids; to do the right thing. This is a fact, and this fact defines me, as being a good man, not an evil one.  I will always be these things, whether I or others see it, or not.

I am me and I define myself.


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Doubting Thomas

Gonna be honest in this post and for those of you who cannot take honesty, well…turn around and get the fuck out of here.

I have no clue where the phrase “Doubting Thomas” came from. It seems I should know, I mean after all, my last name is Thomas. But I don’t. I have never bothered to look it up. The reason for this is quite simple really. I have never intended to be one. I did not want to live my life that way. I want to believe. Believe in something…anything. Even myself would do. But the truth of the matter is,¬†lately I am having issues believing anything. I realize that it is a bad thing. I realize this because I know a prime ingredient of hope is belief. It makes me question my sanity too. For the very definition of insanity, is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results. While I have not been creating the exact same things each time, for each creation is indeed unique, I have been expecting at some point for someone, someone with the knowledge and power to do something with them, to come along. So what it boils down to is, I have been creating and posting original content, and expecting that some day I will get a different result. I am now questioning not only the sanity of this but the actual chance of it happening.

All of my life I have found myself residing outside of the normal. I have never been normal. I was born that way and I certainly will die that way. I thought that was the universe or fate or destiny, whatever you want to call it. I though it was their way of telling me I was never meant to have a normal life. But lately I have come to realize that an other than normal life, does not equal an extraordinary life. I am beginning to sense that my thinking on the entire matter may have been wrong. Perhaps I was simply meant to be an outcast all my life. A person to be reviled and beat up on. Perhaps I was supposed to be just another piece of trash, that the universal incinerator, will burn some day. Maybe it was never written in the stars or upon the cards, for me to rise above everything and actually accomplish something, of note. Maybe I was simply not destined to become a writer or a musician. It is indeed quite possible, the only purpose I was meant for, was to add two more people to the world. If that is the case, then why has my life not ended? My health is nearly bad enough to take me most of the way, I need but a nudge and I shall be there. Why make me wait?

I find myself doubting the purpose of my existence and wonder if it even matters. I was hoping by this point in time there would be some sign, any sign, that I was going down the right path. Pursuing the right things. Now I am filled with doubt and I find my hope, beginning to wither and die, upon the vine of life. What is to become of me?



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While I am bent over…

Please, just get the fucking me over with, so I can get on with the normal business of being poor and not having money. Getting sick of government! Local Government, state government, national government. Between all of them, they have their hands so far down my pocket they are coming out my ass. I mean really, just think about how much each of these governments are taking from you every day. The national government takes nearly a quarter of every paycheck. Then there is tax on everything. Every single thing you buy it seems like it is taxed now. Want to have heat in house and not fucking die? Well, you gottta pay taxes and fees for that electricity. Want to keep that food you just bought(and some of it, you managed to already pay taxes on, at the store), now you got pay more taxes and fees for the electricity, plus we got a bunch of taxes from you, when you purchased the damn refrigerator.

Can someone, anyone, explain exactly what these governments are actually doing for me, besides taking money out of my damn pocket left and right?

I just found out that our income tax return this year is 1/3 what is was last year. Why? Because my youngest son turned 17. Are we supposed to kick them out when they are 17? Seems like that is what our government is telling us. Or does the government think that 17 kids no longer need to eat or wear clothes? How exactly is this government looking out for families, when this is the message they are sending to the people?

I am telling you right now, they are laughing at the stupid fucking idiots they think we are. They are robbing us blind and we keep letting them do it. This is no longer a government by the people for the people. It is government by the crooks supported and controlled by big business.

I did not have health insurance but still managed to lose my doctor yesterday. How? Because now we make too much money. That is funny, because my wife has to work two jobs now, because the raise she got at her first job cost her $3000.00 a year in income. That’s right, her “raise” cost her money because when they gave out a raise, after 7 yrs. of no raises, they cut all overtime. Now she is worked to death at her first job, because she does not have enough time to get her job done, and is always behind and, she has to work a second job to cover the loss of income, just to pay the bills. So because she made perhaps as much as $1000. more this year, we no longer qualify for a discounted doctors visit, that we qualified for last year. Why? Oh you know why! Obama care! That’s right because Texas is a republican state, we have to do everything in our power to make Obama look bad, over a fucking bill we helped pass. Who gives a fuck about the actual citizens of the united states? We don’t care about them! We don’t give a fuck if you are 15k in debt and only make 34k a year. We don’t care if you can pay your bills or if you starve to death, see a doctor, or if you got into debt because of us, in the first place. It is easy to get into that kind of debt when you have to buy groceries and medicine with credit cards,¬†because of no raises, due to a complete collapse of the economy, which we the government not only allowed to happen, but then bailed out all the motherfucking bankers who caused it, with your tax money. So we, the government rewarded those who screwed the people, and we will continue doing so, as long as you allow it.

So while you are stealing money from me left and right and fucking me the ass, just get it over with will you, please. My ass is really getting sore.  I gotta warn you though, I am quickly running out of things for you steal from me, or screw me out of. Oh yeah, you are welcome to come take my right to bear arms!

Which brings me to probably the only part of this rant that may be useful. We need this shit to stop! We need a government by the people for the people. The type of government that our fore-fathers envisioned and there is only one way that is going to happen. We need to end this one! Get rid of every single politician and set up a government run but computers who cannot be swayed by big business money and lobbying. A government who can accept votes from every single American citizen via phone or internet. This is the only way we are going to end this crap. How much more are you willing to take? How much money do you got to donate to a government who takes every opportunity to screw you over?

Sit down with a pen and paper, and go through your paychecks, tax returns, utility bills, receipts for purchases,(food, gas, medicine, clothes, etc.) and figure out how much you spent in taxes last year on everything, then begin to realize just how much they are really taking from you. Then realize they are taking all of it without representing you. You think we had taxation without representation before the American revolution? What they had back then, was a dream, compared to how badly they are screwing everyone now.

Realize also, that the medicare and social security you pay, might as well be taxes too, because most of us will never see any of that money ever again. The government has even proclaimed that these programs will fail. Yet, they keep taking the money. Why? Because they use this money for whatever they want. They have been doing it for years. That is why these programs are going broke. Because the government is stealing the money to use for whatever pet project they want. Both of these programs should have huge surpluses. How many years have the baby boomers been paying into both of these? They have even made it nearly impossible for people to get any of the money back. If you have not worked in 10 years, say perhaps because you stayed at home raising kids,(apparently that is not work and it is bad for you to raise your kids to not go out and shoot people)and you become disabled while doing so, you cannot get disability. Because you are disabled, you cannot earn the credits to be able get disability. So basically, whatever money you payed into social security, before becoming a stay at home parent, you cannot collect. So tell me again, how exactly is the government looking out for, or supporting families, when these rules clearly show they do not believe raising kids is work? I am so sick of being penalized for doing the right thing.

Me, I am poor, my wife works two jobs because the bills have to be payed, and I cannot work because of 3 different conditions that qualify me for disability, and still the governments continue to find new and awesome ways of screwing me. Perhaps we should just round up all the poor people and shoot all of them? That is what it feels like the government is saying to me. I Believe I have gotten your message, Big Brother! I just have wonder how long it will take the rest of the nation to catch up.

Wake me up when you are done fucking me. I am really growing bored with it.



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