Tag Archives: life

Seize The Day!!!

A lot of people like to give lip service to the title statement, but how many really follow through and lead a life based upon this very basic premise? Many? Some? Few? In my experience, not many at all. It takes a certain kind of rare life experience to motivate someone into living for the moment, seizing every second, and sucking the marrow out of life. Mayhap, I should explain further…

Approximately 8 years ago my thyroid decided, hey, lets just go off the rails and see how fast we can run. It slipped into overdrive and I lost weight rapidly. When I got bone thin and could barely walk, I finally gave into the idea of seeing a doctor. I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I was given pills and told I must take the pills everyday, thus I needed to find a regular doctor. I did so and he recommended that I have my thyroid ablated(killed with radioactive Iodine) or removed through surgery. I chose the path of ablation, rather than the path of surgery and the risk of vocal cord damage.

A couple of years later, after several doctors and finding funding and a failed first attempt to kill it, we finally succeeded. I remember to this day the day it died. You see, when an organ dies like this, it is accompanied by a very strong feeling. It’s a feeling you are not likely going to get in many other ways. It is worse than fear or terror and even loneliness. It is worse, than despair, sadness, and even agony. I call this feeling DOOM. Funny, but that is exactly what the doctor called it when he asked me how I felt when it died. Doom is beyond normal feelings. It is life without hope. It is agony, fear, despair, and hopelessness all wrapped in one. Truthfully, that does not even begin to describe it and therein lies the rub. It has to be experienced to be understood.

This is the kind of rare life experience that motivates people to seize the day. It is a rare circumstance that forces you to realize your mortality and just how limited your days on this planet can be. Without having this kind of experience, it really does not seem as important to live the moment.

I used to procrastinate quite regularly, as I am sure a lot of people do. But since that feeling, I try to do at least one constructive thing everyday. I am not talking about doing the dishes or feeding the cat. I am speaking of creating something. A new photo, a photo trip, writing something, creating a song or at least a melody. I do this everyday. No exceptions! Even if my wife is home, I do this when she sleeps. Of course, every waking moment, when I feel well, I spend with her. Since my thyroid was ablated, I have had a lot of health issues, but I always strive to spend time with my wife and create.

You see one other thing happens when you wake up and realize your time is limited. You also find out what is really important in life. Not surprisingly, you discover that money and material possessions have no value in the big scheme of things. They cannot be taken with you into any imaginable afterlife. It is those intangible things that be come alive for you and worthy of spending your time on. The memories, the emotions, the dreams that can be taken with you.

To drive home this point, I am going to share a couple of photos of what is now the reality of where I live, and then I am going to share some photos of what once was. Understand, the beauty I share with you could not have been possible, if I would not have seized the day!

In the above photo is a fence around a school playground. Now you might not consider this much of a difference unless you knew that this is around the entire playground. Thus, it appears in the background of every photo I have taken there since. IMHO, it just ruins the peaceful ambience that once existed there. You will see it when you view the photos from before the fence was installed.

In this photo you can see what remains of a woodland tunnel. Nothing! It has been completely decimated as they make room for a new road coming through here. It the next set of photos you will see what this woodland tunnel looked like and what the play ground without the fence looked like.

(Click on each pic to see full sized)

I sure you can see how many amazing photos would have been lost had I wasted time. I grabbed them while I could and shared them with everyone. By seizing the day, you not only add to your life, you add to everyone’s life. Now I¬†have here a small gallery of photos, that may never be duplicated and have encapsulated the memory of this small spot of earth, for all time. Not bad for doing nothing but living a life to the fullest!

Speaking of seizing the day, I must go seize this day. I hope this post has shown you the true value of living every moment. Take care and have an amazing day!



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Coyote RV Resort

Just thought I would let all those who follow this blog know that I shall be working on something special over the next month, when I am not working on Shadow Shifters 2. It is a little site I devoted to showing where I last lived and my personal experience there. If nothing else, it should be mildly entertaining.


So go there and do what the small post says!ūüėéūüėá


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Death never comes alone…he brings friends.

Before I really settle into this subject, let me lay the groundwork…dig up the grass, pitch aside the rock and gravel, rake out the¬†large chunks of dirt, and smooth out the surface, if you will. I think…indeed, perhaps even know, that a backdrop must be in place, in order to have a finished painting.

At the ripe old age of 49 yrs. old, my experience with death has been limited. In fact, it has been pretty much non-existent. Certainly, I have known people who have died but by the time it had occurred, they were no longer a part of my life. Either some quarrel or issue had ended our connection or time had simply allowed us to drift apart. Thus when the moment of their death occurred, the impact upon me emotion-wise and otherwise, had been minimal. Not trying to take away anything from their deaths or the loss of them. Just stating something that I believe should be fairly obvious to most who read this. That the death of someone, who you were close to at the time of departure, is going to have more impact upon you.

I also believe I need to make clear that I never really got, how or why people made such a big deal over the death, of an animal…a pet. I always thought that it was not the same as a human being dying and I guess technically it is not the same. However, there are certain aspects of it, I now have begun to grasp. When you spend a lot of time with a pet they become, in your mind and heart, an integral part of the family. While the memories and communications may be different, than that of humans, they certainly do exist and become part of who we are. The recent death of my pet taught me just how much this is true. When you spend everyday with any living creature, they become more a¬†part of your life, than most humans ever do.

Thus when death comes calling he does not come alone and he does not leave until you fully realize what you are supposed to from it. Death may not arrive with a trumpet sound or a loud clash. He may appear as a dark figure in the distance. But no matter how he arrives, he brings depression with him. Depression arrives in the same manner as death. Either quick and sudden or slowly creeping in. Just the idea of someone close to you dying brings forth this friend. He is like a leech. He will suck you dry as long as you allow him to, and to a degree, you must allow him to do so. You must allow him to play his part, for it is the role he was cast in and therefore, he must do his part and you must do yours. You must accept it and then you can begin to work on eliminating him. For all roles, come to their conclusions and so it is the same, with depression.

Then comes the moment that death actually does his job. He takes the being, human or otherwise, out of this world and shows them the path to the afterlife. When he does this he calls in his other friend. That friend is named Guilt. Guilt will arrive in some form or fashion, no matter how much or little you had to do, with the death. Guilt arrives because he also has his role to play. His role is to make you think. He is kinda sneaky in that, you often do not see him coming. But he whispers to you, when your mind is quiet. He wants you to think about it because he knows if you do not, then you will never be able to move forward. He makes you play the blame game. He makes you think about every little thing you did before the death. He makes you question everything. He does this because, he knows you need to at some point come to terms with what happened, and your part to play in it. He wants you to realize that each of us has a part to play in each¬†other’s lives and deaths. It was this last thing, I did not get at first.

I only saw my guilt. The actions I had taken, the decisions I had made. I questioned whether there was something I could of done differently to have prevented it. Of course, if anyone looks at those type of things they are going think that maybe they made mistakes. Maybe they did things wrong. Maybe they acted wrong to the situation. They are going to question every action and every decision, and in the end they are going to realize, that it is possible that they made some errors. Of course, they are going to see this. We all do. We make errors because we are human. It is a part of who we are and one of the main reasons we are here in the first place. Certainly nobody can dispute the fact, that a major reason for us being here, is to learn and grow. Learning requires error. Let me say that again because it is that important. True learning requires us to make errors. Understanding this basic fact is what guilt was trying to show us. That no matter how much our involvement, we cannot accept all the blame because we are human, and do make mistakes. It is a part of our nature.

When guilt has finally opened your eyes to these facts, then the last friend of death makes their arrival. This friend is named Acceptance. Acceptance tells you that we all play our roles, for good or for bad, but ultimately it is never really completely within our own hands. We cannot control what is without, we can only control what is within. We cannot make the world do what we want, we can only make ourselves, do what we want. Even serial killers do not completely control things as much as they think they do. Do they decide who is placed in front of them to become their next victim? Certainly not! Do they decide ultimately who will die? They might think they do but they have no control over whether there is ever going to be the opportunity. Nobody can control others or the environment around them. In the end, only fate gets to decide who or what, lives and dies and when. Once you understand this fact, then accepting what has happened, can occur. It should be noted acceptance does not mean that guilt nor depression have left. Acceptance only opens the door for them to leave.

It is you, who must decide when the time has come, to move on. It is you, who must make them leave. For all three of the friends of death reside within you, and are within your circle of control.

While my time has not come to send away death’s friends, I hope that this¬†little writing¬†helps others, and maybe by chance, it may even help me.






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Define Thyself

This is a thing, which for many years, I have strived to achieve. It is not always easy. Nobody lives in a vacuum(no matter how much people are capable of sucking). We all have outside influences that affect us daily, momentarily, even from second to second, we are bombarded with information from different sources and people.

For most of us, it makes it that much harder to define who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes the outside influences and pressures overcome us, and we find ourselves in places we never intended to be. When this happens, it becomes obvious that we have lost sight of who we are and what we stand for as person, partner, parent, and even, as a human being.

This then becomes the moment when you wake up and realize what is going on or you continue to stumble forward in the dark, letting the world and it’s often dark influences, guide you. For me, a chance to step back and examine things came in the form of the emergency room visit(see previous post) and the time needed to recuperate.

With that time I began to see how I have been letting the world negatively impact and define who I am. That should have never happened. I have struggled so many years against myself, and the world, to become a better person. To rise above, never give up, never give in, never stop dreaming. But then, I failed myself and listened to the voices in the dark. The ones that told me bad things, evil things. I listened far too long and began losing myself to the lies they tell us all. The lies that make it easy. The lies that allow us to walk away and feel good in doing so. The lies that preserve our vanity.

I would rather define myself than accept lies to maintain my vanity. Any day, any time. I am sorry my friends, I got lost somewhere along the line. I shall do my best, not to let it happen again.

I am a writer, and therefore, I shall write. I am a musician, and therefore, I shall create music. I will do both of of these freely and shall share what I have created, always expecting nothing in return. Just your accepting, that this is who I am, is more than enough.

Lastly(but certainly not leastly), I am a family man. One who set aside(mostly) writing and music for 22 yrs. to raise my kids; to do the right thing. This is a fact, and this fact defines me, as being a good man, not an evil one.  I will always be these things, whether I or others see it, or not.

I am me and I define myself.



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Doubting Thomas

Gonna be honest in this post and for those of you who cannot take honesty, well…turn around and get the fuck out of here.

I have no clue where the phrase “Doubting Thomas” came from. It seems I should know, I mean after all, my last name is Thomas. But I don’t. I have never bothered to look it up. The reason for this is quite simple really. I have never intended to be one. I did not want to live my life that way. I want to believe. Believe in something…anything. Even myself would do. But the truth of the matter is,¬†lately I am having issues believing anything. I realize that it is a bad thing. I realize this because I know a prime ingredient of hope is belief. It makes me question my sanity too. For the very definition of insanity, is doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results. While I have not been creating the exact same things each time, for each creation is indeed unique, I have been expecting at some point for someone, someone with the knowledge and power to do something with them, to come along. So what it boils down to is, I have been creating and posting original content, and expecting that some day I will get a different result. I am now questioning not only the sanity of this but the actual chance of it happening.

All of my life I have found myself residing outside of the normal. I have never been normal. I was born that way and I certainly will die that way. I thought that was the universe or fate or destiny, whatever you want to call it. I though it was their way of telling me I was never meant to have a normal life. But lately I have come to realize that an other than normal life, does not equal an extraordinary life. I am beginning to sense that my thinking on the entire matter may have been wrong. Perhaps I was simply meant to be an outcast all my life. A person to be reviled and beat up on. Perhaps I was supposed to be just another piece of trash, that the universal incinerator, will burn some day. Maybe it was never written in the stars or upon the cards, for me to rise above everything and actually accomplish something, of note. Maybe I was simply not destined to become a writer or a musician. It is indeed quite possible, the only purpose I was meant for, was to add two more people to the world. If that is the case, then why has my life not ended? My health is nearly bad enough to take me most of the way, I need but a nudge and I shall be there. Why make me wait?

I find myself doubting the purpose of my existence and wonder if it even matters. I was hoping by this point in time there would be some sign, any sign, that I was going down the right path. Pursuing the right things. Now I am filled with doubt and I find my hope, beginning to wither and die, upon the vine of life. What is to become of me?




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